[ARCHIVE - Undoing Ruin] Moshing Happily Under Radioactive Ash: An ADHD-Focused Look At 2024 From Me.
Note: This article was originally posted to our prior, suddenly-dead-as-of-NYE-2024 prior website (RIP). As mentioned in prior episodes/articles, Undoing Ruin is a more critical discourse-analysis series focused on topics such as community development, sociology, mental health and the like.
This is a rather acerbic but honest ventilation from me, a retrospective which looks honestly at the impact ADHD had on me throughout the year, as well as some frustrations that continue with how the condition is treated in everyday discourse.
Peace, Love and Neurodivergent Empowerment xoxo - Brady.
Content Warning - Explicit language, Discussions about mental illness, ableism and psychosocial disability, some jargonistic language re: accessibility. That said, fun and cool ad funny stuff too, to balance thy humours.
Structure Warning - even more all over the shop and tangential than ever. Too fucking bad, dude. Masks' off for this one!
I Ain't Reading All That, Dude - TL;DR Summary: I discuss how much ADHD has absolutely fucking destroyed my life, esp. in the context of this year. Then, I put my dukes and throw every single one of you in the naughty corner for a bit and for once, stand up for myself/my peers and put YOU on blast.
Then, I wrap this shit-pizza up with a nice and positive garnish of appreciation for ADHD from the community and myself.
(I'm not focusing on autism here today as much, because that's a much, much longer topic for several episodes-plus. But, those of you diagnosed ASD *will* find this relatable, because this is all shared neurodivergent traits and experiences.)
Phew.
I'm doing this, huh? Really doing this. Okay. Right.
I already rolled a Nat 1 on 2024 so hey, why the fuck not?!
To summarise 2024 for me, in 5 seconds:
So, those of you who know me personally or have followed this blog/podcast for any significant amount of time will have easily garnered that I present as an open-book where discussing mental health and my lived experience are concerned, yeah?
I'll agree with you on some level - go back and trawl basically every post here from me and you'll find some variant of concessions (but also, NOT apologies) about my current state of things.
Those of you who engage with me personally, recently IRL? You haven't copped a false presentation. I'm genuinely in a more stable candor/affect when I'm around people I like, doing things that I enjoy. So hopefully, this also doesn't come across as too incongruent or disingenuous.
(On that note - helloooooooo incongruent affect and VERY high-maski-iiing!).
Whilst it's far from my best work, if you go back and have a listen to the thought-disordered backtrack over my adolescence-to-now trajectory through both my mental health recovery journey *and* how my engagement with passions and interests developed at the same time, you'll get a vague sense of what I'm about to declare in a second.
For reference, the first few episodes of ISC Podcast are a hamfisted and tangential albeit honest work in terms of the above.
Now, this is my declaration. One steeped in a goddamn galactic supercluster of empirical evidence, of which Undoing Ruin as an ongoing series exists to valorise and discuss.
The entire reason Inner-Strength Check exists, and the entire reason I can continue to persist with putting out content despite how [waves to society in 2024] things are going is thus:
“It is my firm and core belief that, irrespective of whatever challenges we face internally and together as a society, that mental health status and societal conditions ARE NOT 100% mutually exclusive/incompatible with living a valued, meaningful life.”
Am I realistic about this? Yeah, sure. It doesn't feel like that when you're in the shit, in the foxhole. And if the foxhole feels like all you've ever known, this can feel like another flippant pop-psychology truism up there with 'just relax!' or my favourite psychotically-delusional take, 'I don't really believe in mental illness'(LOL).
But please, do bear with me now. Now, some caveats. I will not be talking directly to the experiences I've had this year, in any great semantic detail,
a) Because I value privacy and confidentiality, and it's not just my story - it's a story that naturally involves those close to me and is inextricably tied as well to my professional life, which I take very seriously in keeping minimal about,
b) Because the point of this post (and the Undoing Ruin series) is to compartmentalise my own shit for the psychologist I'm on a waitlist to go see down the track, freeing up space to speak collaboratively in a broader sense and
c) We have a LOT to discuss here and
d) Duh, I already played you the Sad Trombone above. Pay attention! I joke, I kid. Wait, what?
What were we...? Oh yeah.
Ahem.
But let's get real for a second about where I'm at. Right now. Today.
It's nearly midday and I've just woken up, having fallen asleep around 5am due to brain-things for the nth time. I was recently made redundant from a temporary contract (ironically, in the field of mental health), and whilst I've been expending enormous amounts of my limited reserves on job applications, preparing for a near-two-decades long goal of expanding my professional practice into a private clinical business space - the reality is, exhaustion, occupational and neurodivergent burnout and the like have left me pretty bereft of motivation (and hope, frankly) in that respect.
Per the above early episodes, I've had pretty much chronic and unrelenting dysthymia, depression and generalised anxiety since hmm, around about 2004-ish. So you can consider this an anniversary letter too!
Fact of the matter is, being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Inattentive Type (aka, The Artist Previously Known As ADD) in 2021 and Autism Spectrum Disorder earlier this year demonstrates and highlights something very clear to me re: mood disorder. Until I've reconciled and worked on the deep schema/core-belief impact being ND in an NT world has had on me, as a spicy? I will continue to experience anxiety and depression.
It's clear as day to me that sure, whilst I'm a millenial and by facet of that extremely vulnerable to misanthropy, apathy and hopelessness, and also made what others might construe as a poor career choice as a vulnerable person (I push back hard on that sentiment, more on this later) - neurodivergence is the root causal basis of my mental illness, and will be an ongoing maintenance-mode project in tandem with mental health for the rest of my adult life.
Now. Without a storied play-by-play battle-report of the year that was, here's a summation of some key things that really influenced where I'm at right now:
A massive acute crisis with some close to me, which I was managing reasonably poorly due to aforementioned insidious burnout;
Honestly just absolutely in tatters after battling it out in the resource-poor neoliberal context of my working professional life;
Getting dropped from some long-term mental health professional supports that'd been in and out since the early stages of the pandemic, and essentially being on my own in that regard and, more recently;
Residual recovery from burnout and being busy as hell (I still am - if you think I'm doing a lot here lately that pales in comparison to my IRL task list!), which has allowed the underlying depressive stuff to really come out and SUUUUP!
Underpinning and fuelling all of that, on a much more chronic and core intrapsychic level? I've always struggled with a basically non-existent sense of self-efficacy and self-esteem. Again, I attribute both of these easily and squarely to being neurodivergent, a whole separate conversation for another day. Suffice to say, I'm hiding in plain sight with a heady mix of overcompensatory strategies and impostor-syndrome out the wazoo.
I'm comfortable and honest enough in my clear neurosis and insecurity to be okay with that, and that's legitimately fine. Trust me - as a social worker, I've seen what happens to Australians who try and to toe the 'she'll be right mate!' line of inherited British emotional-repression, and denying your foibles/feigning 'normal' only works to a superficial level. Again - confidentiality on behalf of my clients, but you really don't want to see how ugly shit gets when you're far too invested in suppressing your more vulnerable aspects.
Three Parts, Today: Part 1 (Bad), Part 2 (Good). Part 3 (Related ISC Content TBA!).
Part 1 : Bad.
t's a topic I'm pissed off and despondent about, and something that needs multiple episodes+ to cover. But hey, it fucking pisses me off. And I'm pissed off with you/us (the royal 'we', S O C I E T Y) about it. Specifically, how ADHD has been treated in the discourse.
Especially seeing as everyone's frustratingly repeating the line 'oh, everyone thinks they have ADHD these days' (no they don't - that's availability heuristic, confirmation bias and more, and your fault for being too pilled by the algorithm, not mine).
ADHD isn't cute. It isn't 'just' a lot of things. If anything has led to the complete implosion of my life across every domain, if anything persistently gnaws at the sense of self-worth in particular? It's ADHD.
Y'know the ol' "if you put a gun to my head and asked me to choose between X and Y?'. Yeah, well, with ADHD, you don't need to put the gun to my head. I'll shoot myself in the leg before you get mid-sentence. Offer me pretty much *anything* as an alternative to living with ADHD and I'll take it.
If you could somehow knit together my front-right prefrontal cortex to make it less fucky (which by the way, is the entire reason we take these stimulants you're all still honestly so pearl-clutchy about), I'd do just about anything.
It'd be misguided, but I'd legitimately take an offer of being exiled from Australia and thrown into I don't know, a warzone. I'll give you one or both kidneys. Take my leg. Hell, take both! And my arms! Take my vision, give me something terrible (sorry to sound insensitive here, just clarifying the gravity of it) like cancer or irreperable physical disability). Imprison me for life in Guantanamo Bay. Offer me cybernetic implants and any risks associated with that.
I'd do all that and more, anything, *anything*, if it meant you could get rid of my ADHD. No kidding. Give me worse depression! Turn up the autism! Plonk panic disorder on top of my increasingly out of control Generalised Anxiety Disorder! Submit me to dehumanising things and torture! I'll do it all, and all over again, if it meant you could cast some non-existent cybermancer Level 20 spell, knit my aberrant brain structure into something intact, I'll do anything. Fuck my shit up, fam, just get rid of it!
And don't start me on strategies. You're talking to the guy who has the most impenetrably-dense but also lightweight and accessible productivity system you've ever seen, and a guy who's literally done fee-for-service work helping people and businesses design and implement efficient productivity systems. The guy who (ugh, I *hate* being That Guy, but-) has studied Psychology at an undergraduate and Honours level + Social Work at a Master's level, and someone who will eventually open his own private clinical mental health practice.
I'm not an idiot. I'm dysfunctional, but I'm fucking smart even if in a pseudo-intellectual and pretentious way.
I have practiced and do practice, all day every day, *every* behavioural strategy under the sun. I'm on both short and long-acting medications that are gold-standard for, on paper, 'treating' symptoms for ADHD.
That's not why in my more delusional quiet moments of distress, I engage in wishful thinking and want the syndrome banished from my brain.
No, I want to be explicit with you about how fundamentally fucked and severely damaged I am by ADHD, how much it has devastated things a lot more fundamental to my biopsychosocial makeup than just 'omg guys how cute kek kek kek i forgot da fing!'.
Living with ADHD has fucked my shit up. And, whilst I have to stand staunch and be present/future-focused and am committed to not dwelling on lost-time re: late diagnosis - from all my neurodivergent peers, I'm here to say diagnosed in school or at 35, ADHD will still royally fuck your shit up as a human.
From a Schema-Theory orientation:
(See here for a slightly jargony/heady but good primer on maladaptive schemas, and check the link below if a video is more accessible as an explainer):
Can I just say that, in therapy and from my own reflections? The biggest damage to my early life schemas are probably derived more from my engagement with school, society and peers my own age.
That's where the real shit came into effect - thanks society/neurodivergence! :)
I don't gel too well with CBT. ADHD. So, at one stage I worked with a previous psychologist on doing the YSQ questionnaire. Which, looking back, was clearly her just desperately fucking trying to get past my impenetrable steel fortress of reflexive high-masking and camouflaging, lol.
I'm not going to share the actual results, but of the 18 core maladaptive schemas (typical high-scoring for neurodivergent folks, BTW), these ones came out in the wash at off the charts/Spinal Tap), these are the ones I scored so highly on, even my read-the-room-dumbass-ass caught the 'oh shit' expression on the psychologists' face, if only for a fleeting second:
Failure - thanks executive dysfunction making me feel like [redacted for ableism]
Subjugation - aka Me IRL, all day, with everyone, everywhere, and place in the world, even my natural rights as a human being! Thanks ADHD!
Self-Sacrifice - yooooo, did anyone say 'wounded healer' social work trope?! Ayoo!
Pessimism - explain how I'm going to feel good about stuff after you've finished reading this 'Bad' section. (Good stuff coming further down in this blog post, though!)
Unrelenting Standards - a.k.a. how seemingly EVERY high-IQ/high-functioning behaves in order to facilitate getting ahead in the modern neurotypical world. Multiple lengthy podcast episodes on this, later, fr neurodivergents and peers with mental illness.
Oh and on that note, this:
“‘In a cross-sectional study conducted by Philipsen et al. (17) with adult ADHD patients, it was determined that almost all schema maladaptive schemas were significantly higher in ADHD patients compared to the control group, and especially the schemas of “failure”, “defectiveness/shame”, “subjugation” and “emotional deprivation” were the most significantly impaired areas in adult ADHD patients.’”
Oh and like, if it feels really weird/incongruent that I can work in such intense spaces, this:
[[Me calming down extremely unwell psychotic clients alongside cops/emergency personnel on the left, calm as a Hindu cow, versus me nearly crying with frustration trying to get myself to do the dishes on the right]]
Seriously, though, dude. I can stand there and navigate a literal crisis and feel totally fine, and not even need post-debriefing - but I can ruin an entire weekend
To sit back in a more personal space with that and use maybe more relatable language, of many metaphors I could use to describe living with ADHD, it's like this:
That is, you're playing a game, striking keys and inputting buttons which seem to be working for all the other players, and you KNOW it's supposed to be 'depress finger on button > electrical impulse sent > action computed and taken', yet here you are. Watching your character run on the spot and just waiting, waiting.
I can stand there internally screaming at myself to pick a shirt up off the floor, or even sit there with a notepad or whiteboard, and write it out just for extra visual cues, and it might not matter.
I could be well-rested, good mood and motivated, and it'll still happen. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times per day, all day, every day.
Can you get a sense of how frustrating that is over time? It's usually nothing in the moment, if a little annoying.
But the sheer frequency and exponential multiplication of that example over time (we don't have time for me to discuss social interactions, keeping promises to myself/my partner/my family/friends/clients/you guys, etc, daily) adds up.
Can you see the link I'm drawing here?
My daily life is a chronic, unending persistent battle of doing my best, keeping myself regulated and moving despite medication, therapy, insight, psychoeducation, input, accountability, strategies, stimming, music, anything. With ADHD, there is NO upper limit to how much you can possibly hope to implement and otherwise prevent this still happening ALL day and night, every day and night.
Have the above helped? Sure, a little. But in honesty? Far from completely.
What that leaves you with, is your own distress tolerance and self-talk.
Can you see, dudes, from the above schema therapy, how readily conducive it must be for poor mental health to grow up with such a fundamentally broken feedback loop of being 'HiGH-FunCTioNiNg' (excuse the French, but fuck that cunt of a term off so far it surpasses the Cosmic Microwave Background, fuck it to fucking Hell and fuck you if you subscribe to it - just fuck the absolute fucking fuck off), gifted and intelligent in many respects, but also piloting what feels like the world's most [ableist slurs I won't repeat online but certainly to myself, all the time] idiot?
A dualistic feedback loop of being told and seeing/experiencing being /r/iamverysmart, to the point of being at risk of developing sneering and pretentious egomania (neurodivergent people are often very smart), whilst also living with consistent and unending examples of failure across all life domains, from said shirt on the floor to nuclear annihilation of your personal relationships, goals, hopes and dreams?
Constantly watching yourself make silly social faux-pa's as they happen and legitimately being unable to stop the lag/rubber-banding thing and then having to slink off, yet again, having embarrassed yourself for the umpteen quadrillionth time?!
Day in, day out, forever, irrespective of how much support and growth and knowledge you've picked up on the way, because this is a congenital structural abnormality and our best-standard treatment is legal meth to incite some vasodilation and get some blood flowing at the front of our heads?
Yeah.
And this is me really, REALLY holding back. We haven't even gone past the tip of the iceberg. We haven't even gotten onto the helicopter yet. The meeting where we talk about the prospect of the iceberg itself hasn't even been created on fucking Zoom, yet.
I can't and won't speak in any sort of depth about my experience of ADHD, here, let alone autism.
(visual representation of my two auDHD halves, cleanly separated):
This is ALL very superficial. It goes much, much, much deeper than all this, and it's far more complex, pervasive and frankly, serious (and vicariously traumatising for you, The Reader) than any of this. This is me keeping things light. I fucking kid you not.
You could say it's just the tip of the... iceberg. (WHEEZE)
This is why recovery from my depression and anxiety involves both serious incoming work from my end, and accessing the right supports.
This is why, as someone who worked 12 years in the disability sector, I'm happy to eat fuckin' humble pie and begin my NDIS application. I can't for ADHD, but I'll be doing it for autism, as much of a gut-punch that is to someone who is a fucking social worker themselves and irrespective of all your absolutely correct statements/my rational thoughts around 'hey, dude - you're a person too, you deserve support!'
This is why I get angry ADHD isn't included for NDIS support (we're not going down the NDIS route. Not today. Later. I've got BIG swings there. I'll be punching hard)' 'cause 'nerr-ahurrdurr, we save money as social insurer by telling you you're fixed cause ya take ya meds LOL'.
This is why I hate, hate, hate, HATE, HATE the flippant line 'everyone thinks they have ADHD these days!'
You don't want ADHD. ADHD is not an aspirational goal. It's not a fucking superpower. Say that to my face next time unironically/not just for banter and see what happens, cunt.
ADHD has always ruined my life, it certainly fucking destroyed it in EVERY life domain this year. I'm a pacifist and a softie until the day I drop dead, but you bet in a weaker/selfish moment I could even be prepared do the Asshole Solution To The Trolley Problem if there was some hypothetical offer of removing it from my life.
And fuck anyone who diminishes the severity of it's impact on us. Go fuck yourself if you remotely think otherwise, youre officially not welcome here, flat-out. Piss off.
We do dumb self-deprecating TikToks and shitposts on socials that are annoying, because it's our copium. Give us a break. We don't have agency. Not enough, not yet.
Before I Take This In A Nicer Direction? Fuck You. All Of You. Yes, You, re: 'Nurr-Hurr Everyone Finks They Have ADHD'.
Okay, listen up. I'm going to scold you. All of you. You're in the doghouse. Putting everyone on blast.
YOU being 'sick of hearing about ADHD' is artifactually a byproduct of YOU spending too much time online.
Sick of it? My advice?
Get a fucking hobby, dickheads.
Turns out - when you actually spend time engaging in your own interests and passions, you barely hear about ADHD at all! I know this because I HAVE ADHD, and I feel like I'm less exposed to it online/talk about it less (and I'm clearly talking about it a LOT, look how long this post is?!) than a lot of YOU people.
Chew on that for a second, idiot!
'But it's all over my feed!'- find an art page or something, fuckhead. Read a book.
Your lack of available alternatives to [cooking yourself on short-form content] is NOT mutually compatible with me trying to grow as a person, and help my ND peers in our ongoing journey of self-determination. I am NOT responsible for you feeling mildly inconvenienced by the topic on apps I don't even use.
Put your fucking phone down and play a video game or learn a guitar if your poor widdle titties are sooooooo in a twist about 'adurrhurr, girl with purple hair think she have ADHD OMG. I'm so sick of it!'
Ever heard of painting? Drawing? Fuck, I dunno, do what most neurotypical people do and go idly cruise through Westfield looking for shit to buy as a past-time? Dude, I don't know the answer for you, but I know the reality-based pushback to this 'blahurrdurr durrr ahhh ADHD is all everyone talks about lol!!1!!!1one' bullshit?
It's simple! It's so simple I'm not even actually angry about. No really! I'm swearing a lot, but that's cause the solution's dumbfoundingly simple, even for a [redacted because ableist] like me! Fuck's sake lol. Hey, you know you say 'just focus'? Yeah, this is an ADHD version of that. Feels good dunnit? Haha. Dickheads.
Bro, I haven't shaved in a week and I'm saying, just do something else, lol.
That's right, cunts. An introverted auDHDer is telling you to go outside and touch grass.
Maybe reflect on that for a sec, eh?
Go take the dog for a walk or something, I dunno. I don't know you from a bar of soap, figure it out for yourself, take your diapers off and challenge your minced laissez-faire brain for a minute.
New stuff is scary, and y'all allistics are weirdly scared of change, coming from the guy with a brain that literally goes 'oh fuck, CHANGE?!' in the autism department.
Scrolling isn't a hobby and your free time and whinges about what The Algorithm doth expose you to, is NOT my responsibility. Get a life. Seriously.
Legit, I love you guys, but Christ dude. Stop melting yourself on shit apps watching shit, there's a whole wonderful world online and out there. Stop wasting the information superhighway and your life. Seriously.
(NB: I have some challenging and hot takes on neurodivergent discourse in social media. Earmark this for a future episode. If anything I ever post (even more than that last very NSFW blog post I pastiched with strong content warnings) ever runs the risk of me getting doxxed, cancelled or otherwise publicly lynched for my opinions, even more than the swings I could take at the alt-right, The Gubbament etc? It's my thoughts on the detrimental impact social media has had on ND discourse.
Fair warning, if you're neurodivergent, that episode will be a HOT take.)
Phew.
Vent over.
Now, onto the good stuff - the Positives about Neurodivergence, 2024, and some upcoming content!
Part 2: The Good Stuff About ADHD:
Required Homework - Read This Article! Or at least skim it. Thank you! :)
Bonus Content For Nerds - 'Science, Bitch!' (2010 called, they want their meme back)
In the aforemetioned examples about pleadingly desperate I could get to have ADHD excised from my brain, here's some of the many, many, MANY things I would dearly miss (but ultimately have to say goodbye to, as a net outcome if needed) if I could 'get rid of' my ADHD. #1 is a personal hypothesis, the rest is science baybee!
It Nicely Balances Out My Autism. Well, Sorta. Enough. I Think?!
While I'm extremely high-masking and social-camoflauging, I truly believe the hype-man extroverted squirrel-on-meth that is ADHD has been hugely protective in terms of building and maintaining my social life and relationships. The hyperfocus, high energy, capacity to pull some dumb but funny quips and sooooo many other traits easily attributable to ADHD, give me a LOT of leverage there.
Secondly - whilst I'm inattentive-type (ADD, baby!), I've got a permanent physical and cognitive hum that will NOT let me rest. It's exhausting, yeah. But, looking back? Without ADHD, during so, so, so many periods of acute and chronic depression and anxiety, I'd definitely have been or still be bedridden, catatonic, etc. ADHD is probably honestly the biggest reason I can continue with Inner-Strength Check. Moreso than the ASD hyperfixation/special interests part.
I can crack on reasonably, most of the time, with work, life and staying socially connected because it does not seem to matter how severe mood disorder gets - I literally can NOT be physically brought down.
Guys. I have never, ever spent a full day in bed due to depression. I've gotten so depressed I ended up having a months-long psychotic episode and a two-week inpatient stay in my early 20's due to depression (it's been confirmed that was psychotic depression plus REAL big-time neurodivergent burnout, not bipolar like I/we thought). I've taken a big, serotonin-free piss on past relationships, friendships jobs and all sorts, but I'd say thanks to ADHD, I've NEVER stopped fully. I realise this isnt a universal experience, but in my case I'm giving the condition *some* concession, here.
As an auDHDer, and someone who I think despite being diagnosed Level 2 autistic (LMAO what the fuck? When do you get to Operating Thetan Level 10 with autism LOL), in honesty I at times can have my own struggles in communication with folks very much more on the autism-only (stay tuned for a future take on this, based on science) presenting folks. Because ADHD just gives me too much of a baseline drive to be silly, fun, talkative, humorous etc that admittedly, I can be full-on for autistic people (and myself).
BTW, props to the love of my life and auDHD soulmate in my partner who is a smidge less Duracell-Bunny ADHD than her male counterpart, for putting up with me. God I'm full-on.
I suck at maths. I don't give a shit about trains. I was categorically told don't bother with comp-sci, you're a [ableist slur, btw - a CAREER COUNSELLOR who will not be named said this lol] and you're shit at logic. Autism tropes, yes.
I am not your stereotypical ASD presentation, and I think the zany feral bogan mongrel of my ADHD nature ironically allows some natural leverage to 'hide in plain sight' and relieve *some* (not much) of the energy expenditure that goes into my autonomic and reflexive masking behaviours/traits.
I.... don't really have to think about masking and camoflauging, it just sorta happens. And I hypothesise ADHD helped with that.
2. ADHD Gives Me Some Cool Shit Too:
TL:DR - ADHD is like, the cool-guy friend in me that helps the autistic wallflower come out of his shell a bit more.
More cool shit myself and other ADHD/auDHD folks have (parsing from neurodivergence in general):
Quoting peers via ADHD Awareness Month on Additude.net:
One peer notes the following:
“For every executive function issue I have, I also have strength. I may be late to appointments or interviews, but I’m always trying, sometimes struggling, and many times succeeding in my ongoing journey to meet your needs and create my place in this world. I’m still an asset to you because I carry with me heart, resilience, hard work, and a fierce drive to overcome the impossible. And I won’t give up.”
Damn fuckin' straight. CHURCH! PREACH! FUCKIN' SLAYER!
More based-as-hell peer quotes that are ME IRL and just, ugh, chef's kiss:
“I’m not flighty! My mind is simply attracted to looking at everything and finds beauty in all moments, so much so that it distracts me all the time. There is beauty in ADHD if you will only recognize it! I wish the world knew that I’m not debilitated by my diagnosis, but empowered and proud to name it. I own ADHD and am a better person because of it. I wish the world knew that I’m excited to see where this journey will take me! ADHD doesn’t define me, but neither does it limit me!”
“Like a kaleidoscope, an ADHD life can be somewhat chaotic, but it can also have so much beauty as we find our own patterns and unique look on the world.”
3. ADHD is DEFINITELY Answerable For My Love Of, In Particular:
A much, much lower threshold for enjoying things and appreciating very small things people seem to gloss over and not notice. Legitimately being very, very easy to please in terms of hangouts, arts, music, friends etc. Have you noticed how little I go into some scathing reviews (aside from the previous very-NSFW post, but that RPG is a meme anyway)? It's because ADHD helps me appreciate the hell out of e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
Alcohol and recreational drugs never being a necessity to have a good time! I've been kicked out of pubs as the designated driver, and I've gone to the vast majority of gigs in my life stone-sober because I don't need chemical enhancement to enjoy a gig, the gig IS the chemical enhancement!
My family! My friends! My auDHD partner in crime and life and soulmate! My cat!
Living on the coast where I can be a free feral instead of an urbanite battery-hen (not my bag, not enough room)!
Walking barefooted, being a goddamn hippy in a Nasum shirt.
NASUM! Fucking grindcore dude. GRINDCORE. Feed me more grindcore, all of the time. Yummy yummy yummy grindcore in my tum tum!
Science! New developments in science! Continuing professional development, for ever ever ever.
Being my silly self and not giving a single shred of iota fuck about that (despite above hang-ups)
Metal - particularly thrash metal, extreme metal, grind and many more
PUNK! Hardcore! All that good stuff!
Shitposting, memes and funny stuff
Lifting, Surfing, Hiking, Travelling, Exercise, Fitness, Capitalising This One For No Reason
Self-deprecation, levity and finding excitement even when exruciatingly burnt out and depressed!
Gaming!
Tabletop!
FOOD. ALL THE FOOD. Beige diet sometimes? But mostly. GIVE ME ALL THE FOOD. PUT THE FOOD IN THE BAG AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
Partying! I don't party as often these days, and I don't wear this as a badge of pride, but my historical feedback from 99% of parties I've gone to (other than 'dude, you drank a lot') is 'dude, you were the life of the party!'.
Running groups, fostering communities, building the fucking hype dude.
Art. Lots of art. Give me cool stuff to look at! Nom, nom, nom.
Blasting this blog, my friends and whoever else isn't sick of me yet with lots of cool new stuff. All the time. FOREVER.
New cultures, deliberately wandering in new places just for the novelty factor
Hugs! High-fives! Dap up ya fuckin' homies bro! Bring it in!
New hobbies, spinning plates with hobbies, and diversity in my range of special interests!
BAAAAAAAAAAASS. I definitely play bass because of ADHD, I just suck at music theory cause of it too. :P
The frequency, spread and depth of posts on here
Going to gigs, as much as I can
Empathy, compassion, justice-orientation and a lifelong restlessness to leave some form of net positive imprint on the world before I cark it
Feeling deeply, expressing myself and big, bright emotions in relevant experiences!
Philosophy, existentialism, nerdy stuff like that.
Documentaries! And not just the same thing over and over and over. New ones. All. The. Time. (Thanks Mum for this one too!)
Nature! Animals! The Beach!
Imparting wisdoms and strategies and cool learnin's to help others, with not really that much of a flying fuck given about my own hypocrisy in the matter
Social Work
Psychology
Mental Health
Lifelong Learning
FUNK! DISCO! DANCING!
Moshing! Headbanging! Circle-Pits!
Cartoons! Fart noises! Echolalia!
Compartmentalising being A Serious Adult (TM) and forever being in very, very close touch with my inner child's fun side!
Social Justice! Revolution! Anarchy! Leftism! Not Giving A Fuck About Your Thoughts On That!
Macro-solutions to Mega-Probleeeeeeeeeeeeems!
Productivity! Innovation! Entrepeneurship! Never Being Content With The Norm! More Capital Letters! Don't Care!
BLAST-BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATS.
Yelling 'Yawn. NEXT! BORING!' when my brain is stuck in too heady an intellectual space and just Doing Real Stuff!
The Universe! Earth! Science! Information! Sensory Input! Keep mashing that shit into a ball and feeding it to me, please! More! More! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE
Coffee!!!!!!!!!!!!! CO-FFEEEEEEEE.
Did i mention metal and surfing? Oh yeah.
Not sticking with clique identity-wise and being able to social-chameleon/butterfly my way anywhere I go! Except maybe a corporate function. Gross.
Anti-capitalism! Dude, c'mon. Automation and deskilling has rendered traditional labour models obsolete. Imagine just automating that stuff and then everyone gets to do all the above and more, all the time?!
Lack of judgement! Who am I to judge you?! Have you read this fucking blog, dude?! LMAO.
Phwoar.
Okay.
I had so much more but I'm sure you're beat.
I'm not kidding when I say the dot-point list of draft topics on neurodivergence is nearing 4 digits, with a huge portion of those actually part of branching lists of sub-topics that extend anywhere from the dozens to multiple *hundreds*.
I have two hundred A4 pages of notes already. I wish I was kidding. When I say I have much to discuss about being ND, I'm not kidding.
To all my peers, allies, neurotypical friends and family, blessed and based as fucking FUCK autistic/neurodivergent-umbrella homies?
I wish you all a safe and happy holidays, and a Merry Christmas. Sincerely, even though fuck social-hierarchy and outmoded traditions.
If you're keen on the prospect of hearing a lot more about neurodivergence, mental illness, sociology, community development, research, discourse and the like? You'll enjoy the Undoing Ruin series.
If not? Good thing I have ADHD and this blog is a kitchen-sink.
If you're 'sick to death of hearing about ADHD these days' - there's the door. Fuck off, you stupid fucking cunt. (Mum, if you by some weird miraculous chance are reading this, soz about the c-bomb but also, point stands! Love you Mum, lol).
Peace, Love and Lots of Grindcore for My ADHD Stimming,
Brady.