It’s already midnight here, but c’mon guys - give a brother a break.

Instead of just talking vaguely about The Thing and Stuff - I went and did The Things, and Stuff. That’s right, I finally got an opportunity to go to the board-games group at my local FLGS and actually meet up with real people, get away from Big Tech for a minute (God. SO REFRESHING) and do nerd-stuff IRL!

I/we have also been doing Tabletop Stuff, instead of just writing about it.

Hence, this week’s post will be brief, but focussed on something I’ve previously mentioned is a mainstay of all our weekly segments = lived experience. Gonzo nerd/muso/artist ‘journalism’ (‘least you can tell this isn’t GPT-generated, it’s too informal (cooked)) in-media-res.

Speaking of in-media-res, I’m going to drop you straight into the action with little exposition, fanfare or explanation. I ramble too much. Thanks, over-inclusive speech!

Let’s begin, geeks.

INSIDE OF YOU ARE TWO ORCS. (SEE A CLERIC).

A tale of two greentexts.

NOTE: Heavily redacted, because a certain writer in our team also has the privilege of playing in my Forbidden Lands campaign (where Vyrak resides) and as a fellow player alongside me in our epic, multi-year DnD campaign (Zogdush - also, probably the only DnD campaign I’d ever have stuck around for this long - based Dean and crew <3).

Actually… nah. Stuff it.

I’m an edgelord who produces full-grimdark at the best of times in my tabletop campaigns. Totally not working out 16 years of vicarious trauma via my profession, nor a much longer backlog of personal insecurities.

Plus, considering the leviathan triumphs as an early-campaign party, Fourteen Limbs received a totally underwhelming TPK.

Don’t say I don’t do you favours guys. As Spiderman says, everybody gets one. ONE. :)

*I figure my audience is pretty across it, but for those confused -* ***I’m not talking about actual virginity, here***.

The virgin zogdush:

Sigh. Guess I’ll drop a few bread-crumbs for the DnD crew. It’s the least I can do after that edgy, PTSD-afflicted Barbarian bastards’ uncouth behaviour in the last session.

First Greentext - Backstory/Context:

my digital driver had his Diablo II necromancer coded death-domain cleric carted off and sold into slavery
she probably getting the CIA treatment by Llolth incel-simps rn, RIP
drow kill each other off almost as much as orcs
ironicpalpatine.jpeg
where Zog at, oh yeah

guy whom wrote this article needed new PC since his edgy goth drow lady get bought out by spider-lovers
good luck chuck, me him Zog hope it quick at least
author had never tried Barbarian class, total 5e noob
author shrugs
‘fuck it - Texan boat operator in the Elemental Plane of Earth who hates his job working for the Man Dao, who’s an orc because ….I havent played one’
‘Barb too ‘cause haven’t tried that class and goddamn does cleric spell list option-paralysis get tiring after a minute’
author smash out character sheet, backstory
Zog is born

be me, Zogdush Urgrum, wanderer and expat from the ‘relatively’ peaceful Ondonti Clan in the Moonsea region of Faerun for a couple of decades now. mostly cause [REDACTED]
relatively peaceful, lmao
topkek
grow up, usual orc business
yknow, tribal clansman orc stuff
Grumsch this, fight that, kill kill kill, death death death, drink drink drink
most friends dead by age 2, usual orc business
me him Zog survive by ruthlessness cause Orc

Texan accent, breaking fourth wall intensifies
me Mee-Maw Kee-ra was a brewer n’ a homesteader, Mee-Paw Grzul a famed sellsword-for-hire
Maw always drunk, always angry
Dad always in shaman tent getting stabwounds patched up
average life of Orc
actually the son of a humble farmhand family, not really Barb-coded in the scheme of things
got teased for it a fair bit tbh
all those merc contracts with Elvish contractors in the Eastern Heartlands
man, the bullying when the orc cubs cottoned on it
woof.mp3
wailed on and killed a few Elves to keep up Orcish image of toxic masculinity and avoid systemic harrassment and threat of being clubbed to death before average Elf’s creche completed
seem to work but good
life experience = holdmybeer.jpeg

Zog hangin’ out with pals, doing his thing
just kidding, pals all dead
Zog drinking and smoking shaman stuff
average teenage day in Zog upbringing
no school like elf? based

bunch of little goblin bastards swarming over hill
thisgunbgood.exe
obliterate, smash skulls, feel rage of Grumsch and Ondonti ancestors flow through me
blood, viscera, death, very fun

oh snap
[Orcish] ‘FUCK! IT’S ONE OF THEM BIG BOYS’
we no have school
big boy is ogre
OGRE BIG BASTARD
punk adult hypocrites scatter
me him pee down trousers, but me him finally have chance to put elf rumours to rest
big fight, Zog almost die
end fight with display of orc dominance
turn up to 11
brain taste good
Mum, Dad, Shaman, Chief applaud, Zog proud

Zog probably Freudian archetypal projection of author, like any good tabletop character
therefore, ADHD and easy bored
Zog tired of bonking
both kinds of bonking
Zog remember elves seem chill, like doing fun stuff
Zog bored of same goddamn canyon
always looking out at Moonsea
jealous of Dad and adventures and stories
good beer brought home too

Zog decide bored, want smash even bigger boys
take on Ice Giant, almost die
cop lecture from Giant in Orcish
him Zog get taken on by Giant
turn out this Giant big nerd
try magic
Zog shit at magic
get MAD
[REDACTED - NAME] chide Zog, do whole palpatine thing
me him Zog beat Ice Giant teacher within inch of life
‘you ready, now you fuck off’ - Zog no remember words exactly

anyway this drag on too much
lots of [REDACTED]
end up spending time with Wood Elves in [REDACTED]
actually make elf girlfriend
[REDACTED] happen, lot of wood elf die
Zog really, really hate drow
have good fun slowly killing drow rats who come up from ground
good revenge

Zog gets enough of an education from this point, gets bored again
elves chill but too chill
many year of gruntwork, killing, sellsword
good fun

Zog walk one day near lake edge
pulled to water by unseen force
voice in head, terrifying
Zog pee a little for 2nd time in life
long story short - Zog find new mentor
mentor is Master
Master attuned to Void
Zog no allowed to see Void
only bit of Void Zog see make him MAD
ANGRY
TOO MUCH
Fish-Master trick Zog
Zog get tricked into making Fish-Master Dead
Fish-Master too old, too wise

Zog wake up in stinky, slimy, annoying, terrible shithole
hate hate hate HATE MAKE SO ANGRY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
rock-friend help get ‘job’
job pay shit
job basically sub-contract but shit
many many many many crew sent to boat
so many die
Zog forced to kill so many
thugs, thieves, murderers, idiots, liars, criminals
hate hate hate, so angry but need body fodder for getting ichor

One day
New crew come from Dao
WTF.mp3
Gnome Sorceress Lady with pegleg
DROW! but he nice? Drow not nice
sus
ORC FRIEND FINALLY
Ugarthloc cool, he a bro
usually we cop racism and death, this guy cool

turn out, they have brain
turn out, they hate Elemental Plane
even more desperate to escape stinking shithole than Zog
that sayin’ somethin’, yáll
antics ensue

one day with new crew
Zog driven to RAGE
ZOG SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHITHOLE FUCK ZOG CANT TAKE THIS FUCKING SHIT ZOG HATE IT HERE WANT TO DIE KILL KILL KILL HATE HATE HATE
zog turn frog-men and house into fine meat paste of viscera
Zog no kidding, Zog literally beat them into a fine mince
destroy house
Rock-friend shoot funny drugs at Zog
wat.png
Zog back with Master
Master basically mock Zog
Zog happy he see Master first time in one year after no contact
Zog realise he still in shithole
SO. MAD.

later

Zog meet one eyed friend
One eyed friend only speak in rhyme
blood boiling but Zog do it
zog fucking desperate to escape Elemental Plane
zog SO SICK OF THIS SHIT, WANT TO KILL EVERYTHING
TOO MUCH RHYME, TOO MUCH SHIT SMELL, TOO MUCH ANNOYING THINGS
Zog about to REALLY LOSE IT
one eye demon friend offer answer to what Zog seek
seem legit
one eye sus friend break off finger and put in bowl
average day in Elemental Plane tbh
Zog engage in ritual
Zog sent EXACTLY BACK TO THING THAT MAD HIM THIS MAD AND RAGE IN FIRST PLACE
ABANDONED BY MASTER
LEFT IN THIS SHITHOLE
NO ANSWERS
NO HELP
TAUNTED
TRAUMATISED. AGAIN
ZOG FEEL LIKE THIS GREAT CYCLIC TORTURE WHEEL OF THE VOID
ZOG NEVER BEEN SO ANGRY IN LIFE
ZOG NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE

Zog teleported back out to swamp island
lizard friends a bit sus on Zog
Zog cause immediate bloodbath
bash friends
impale heads of lizard dickheads on pike
KILL. SO SICK OF YOU
ONE EYED BITCH BETRAY ZOG
KNEW WHAT IT DOING
SO MAD, SEEING RED
new party try calm and forcibly stop Zog
MAKE ZOG SO MUCH MADDER
Zog for second time in day get sent to Shadow Realm by shipmate Rock-Friend
oh
Zog dun goofed
Zog REALLY dun goofed
Zog promise local tribe no more kill or hurt after frog men
Zog disappear with rock friend
tune in next time say DM

TL:DR - By virtue of just wanting to roleplay a barb orc as a nice little stereotypical DND experience, Zog sticks his nose where his business really shouldn’t concern him when, as the goddamn captain of the vessel technically in charge of the entire party ends up seeking wisdom and advice from some interdimensional portal at an unknown shrine, warded by some one-eyed very suspect monstrosity.

Zog is then surprised by the fact that the little critter sent him right back to the tipping point that basically led him from being ‘average disgruntled Orc’ to ‘hair-trigger Barbarian’.

Sigh. Zog. I hope Salimon is giving you the earful of a lifetime in the Shadowfell or some shit.

Idiot.

Me, playing this character knowing full well the Mother of All Barbarian Rage Triggers Specific To This Guy just got unleashed on the back of serious trauma, for a rootin’ tootin’ Orc absolutely DONE with roughly a year in a place that makes the Underdark look like a Floridian cruise liner:

‘uh oh’.

Yep.

Salimon, you have my permission to bitch-slap this tantrum-throwing man-child down to 1HP.

Now. Compare to this to the absolute Giga-Chad that is Vyrak.

Vyrak in character does not speak. At all. He is non-verbal.

Vyrak’s entire backstory is [REDACTED] and I’ll be speaking on his behalf.

VYRAK - THE GIGA-CHAD:

Vyrak
[REDACTED] backstory but trust me, it is BLEAK
doesn’t complain about any of that
not to himself, not to anyone
stuck in what amounts to a refugee camp (The Fog Crossing) outside a town (Shadowthrone) overrun by a strange mix of sectarian outsider religious zealots (The Rust Church) and extremely xenophobic, bureaucracy-heavy governance (The Council)
Lore context - orcs in the Ravenlands (Forbidden Lands setting) are treated far, far worse than Argonians on Vvardenfell. Google it if you need context.

regularly under threat of discrimination, harrassment, injury, death
still decides to mete out vigilante justice amongst the folk of the Crossing with literally no recompense expected in return
refuses any charity
continues to refuse even when advised this is starting to become a glaring insult to various Kin (FL term for races) norms
literally stabbed in guts with Skrizsgammor, an insanely powerful and ancient blade
‘fine then’ (thought to self)
continues simple pauper life of meteing out justice often not seen or overlooked by Town Guard cause hey, Wolfkin, Saurians and Halflings etc arent people
based tbh

straight up joins some unknown crew on a local writ provided to seek out the thing that has been leaving livestock and humanoids alive a bloody mess in the foothills of the nearby Ranges
Ranges themselves extremely dangerous
because why not
doesnt complain, gets involved in fights
adventuring party goes into ruins
party basically barbecued by flame traps and set upon by strange folk (Whiners)
led into trap
set upon by basically what amounts to Forbidden Lands Shai Hulud underground
party escapes, praises Vyrak for his heroism
I roll a percentile dice (d100) that I’ve not revealed to the group IRL until this post
51 = Yes Brady, Vyrak does do that
Unbeknownst to party until this blog post, Brady solo plays out combat between sessions
Somehow
SOMEHOW
Vyrak beats this thing
also ‘Broken’ (rendered unconscious)
passes out, falls over and is vaulted down an internal stream
wakes up underwater in a goddamn lake
doesnt complain
walks for about a day back to Shadowthrone
keeps friend Harrin’s tent safe knowing full well bro is probably dead
because thats just Vyrak

new party shows up
explains they’re going to go up into the Ranges on the exact same writ, because literally everyone including the Rangers and even the Iron Mercenary Company are too chicken to take on the contract
like, straight away
because reasons.

TL:DR - Vyrak is based and a Chad, and my party love him. Much more than they already hate the actually-intended GMPC, Madrigal. To be fair, Madrigal is a pseudo-intellectual Thespian ponce, and this is Forbidden Lands, not DND. Minstrels don’t get exactly the same leeway Bards do in Faerun.

Be like Vyrak.

Be based.

Be brave.

Do good deeds, on the virtue of doing them.

Everyone loves a Vyrak.

RALLYMAN DIRT:

I got out of the house for the first time in months to a social thing that wasn’t a gig.

I got to play board games.

I brought along one, tomfooled by my own lack of prior research. Yeah, turns out while well-intended, maybe don’t rely wholesale on the kindness of random Youtubers to flesh out the game mechanics.

This is a GREAT game, and I sincerely regret not playing it sooner.

I will be playing it again, I will be reviewing it for the podcast.

If you’re lucky and time allows, I may even stream me playing it solo (you can play vs ‘AI’) and or record it.

Go peep some reviews on the Rallyman series. It looks silly, but holy heck it is FUN.

As for me…

I got cocky and absolutely SENT IT over a bridge because hey, it’s a prop on the table.

The push-your-luck system indicated I had indeed pushed my luck and I crashed.

I was not expecting any board game to so fluidly encapsulate the mechanics of rally driving, drifting, stages, time-trials, mechanical wear-and-tear, manuevering, tactical and methodical planning but also reflex/snap decisions so well.

EVERY dice roll was tense.

My absolutely rules-allergic, completely devoid of left/logic-brain was able to grasp it in one sitting. I’m [redacted for self directed slurs] when it comes to learning any game mechanics. And yet here we were, all having a blast and scheming while drifting in little colourful cars.

God-damn this is a great board game.

*Credit to OP -* ***see here for link on Reddit****. OP enjoyed it as much by themselves as I did with people. This game rips, dude.*

starforged

I love Starforged so much that I have an entire solo campaign specifically planned out as content just for ISC.

I love Starforged so much that I plan on turning that, irrespective of effort, into a full narrated audiodrama series in time, right here.

Shawn Tomkin is a solo/co-op TTRPG God. Nuff said.

As for my character?

Well, via me being way, way too judicious on letting the Oracle decide for me what was happening instead of using my brain because tiredness - what started as a simple request on an orbital station where one might find rations and fuel, has devolved into a fight with a knife wielding junkie.

I love this game.

More updates later. And a review. And the above content.

And what of our wonderful TTRPG correspondent and resident expert (shoosh, it’s true, no modesty allowed)?

She reports she’s been enjoying the heck out of a ‘session zero’ of Two Numbers.

She’s also been playing through an 80’s Judge’s Guild Module.

And she should really

GO TO BED, ELODIE, BECAUSE IT’s 2AM.

Is she?

No, she’s too incredibly based for sleep. She’s apparently up designing a goddamn creature for Mothership, ‘cause of course she is.

I’m excited for new content she brings to the table here at ISC. You should be too.

I won’t speak on her behalf about what that entails, but I’ll definitely say this - both those orcs up there?

Yeah, she has experienced both of them in two games with this melted-brain maniac. As a player AND GM.

Godspeed, Corporal. Godspeed and good dice-luck to thee.

/end.

#TabletopThursday, 16.01.25 - Of Orcs, Burnouts, Space Bar-Fights and Bedtime Monsters.